Rock bottom... must be time to move on Day 339+

So here I sit Monday morning fighting a horrible cold that I am sure I caught while sitting in freezing rain for 4 hours on Saturday watching my son Sam play soccer. He is sick too, courtesy of the weekend and is home in bed. I am feeding my cold with large amounts of very hot coffee.. Now onto my moving on and rock bottom.

Lack of sleep I obtained over the weekend is what I am blaming for my meeting with rock bottom. I know I posted on the multiple personalities that show up during a deployment..I forgot one or two..Bitchy Barb and Barb Villa. Bitchy Barb is just what her name claims to be, it is not Wendy.. no whining by her, but full on BITCH. Barb Villa is the handyman that you must become in order to take care of things. You remember my dishwasher issue right???? I am just throwing in Barb Villa so when I mention her later as the months go on, you will know whom I am addressing.
Back to my rock bottom. Rock bottom happens at the end of the phase one, when you are ready to accept life alone (for a deployment) and all that it throws at you. It is where you get thrown so you can climb out and know you made it. This is where you have to go in order to say you survived, so you can feel accomplished about doing the job of a single parent all the while protecting your kids from the seriousness of war. I have to get to rock bottom emotionally before I can move forward with a deployment. I have to go there before I can mail my package. I have to know that I was able to stand on my own two feet without the support of Bill. For those of you that do not know this, Bill is my rock, he makes me sane, he makes me whole, he makes me ME. I truly am not the better person without him. I need him like I need food and water and air to breathe. So you see, my rock bottom is pretty bad...it involves crying...which I hate and never admit to doing. It involves my mind spinning and my body aching..aching so much for my need is great and Bill is unavailable for me. That day happened for me on Sunday. I felt it coming on, I knew I was exhausted with my weekend schedule and I had no way of stopping it from coming. I knew that all my girls were going to collide.... Nelly, Wendy, Annie and Barb were going to show up and throw a party inside my head.
I was truly missing my husband, I had not talked to Bill in about a week..ok so it felt like a week. Remember, he is my rock and the air I breathe.. Bill withdrawal is BAD!!!!!
The damn soccer coach was the catalyst.. he yelled at me....WTF!!! (that is what I said). Yep, he is not a likeable man and I do not enjoy him nor does my son, I am still trying to wrap my head around this ass....best I can do is remove him from my world...POOF..he is gone... I will not talk to him nor respond to him. This I can do.
So there I am at a soccer game which I truly enjoy watching...crying silently in my chair. Not a single parent on this team knew nor cared. Fine by me, I do not cry in public...I hate crying and I truly hate those that make me cry. Game ended..a tie, and I took the boys to the car for lunch...I am that good that they had no idea how upset I was. I made a phone call to a friend whom I feel safe enough to share these warped feelings with and one I can cry to....(only a few are that close to me)
Here it goes, I am bearing my soul via blog..... ugh!!! I promised myself I would.
Anyway, what it boils down to is this. I miss Bill, I miss him to my core and when I was hurt by this man, Bill was not here to say what I needed to hear...usually "suck it up , you deserved it." Yes, I know harsh..but coming from Bill it never is. My support, my crutch, my rock was MIA.  I miss my best friend, I miss talking to him, I miss holding his hand, I miss hugging him, I miss him......:(
This is where you think, but you have great friends and neighbors and so many other wives to talk with.... I am a bit private when it comes to anything regarding weak emotions ( yes this is my view of crying).  I am stoic. I am not one to share feelings that upset me until I can share them without becoming upset by them. I like crying to be done in private. My friend Kandi can appreciate that!
That being said, I have great neighbors, I do. I have great friends, but they are not Bill. I am surrounded by people and yet so very lonely right now. I need my husband. I pray for his return. I know he is safe. I know that this unfortunate crying episode of rock bottom emotions...will make me strong enough to survive this deployment. I know that Barb....will be around for awhile so watch out world. She is going to hang out and be my body guard. She is building my wall that will protect me form these feelings and I will be able to mail my package this week. THANK YOU BARB!!! Glad she won at the party in my head. I can deal with her...I understand Bitchy.


Bill- now that you know Barb is visiting, maybe you ought to send me some pics of you in protective gear. I would hate to see her purchase a ticket to Kabul just so she can whip your ass. Beware....beware... you have been warned!