OK.. so I know I mentioned previously that missing a call or an opportunity to chat sucks. Let me reiterate, it goes beyond sucking especially in the early phase of deployment. You see, there are phases to a deployment. The first being the early phase. (I cannot tell you about the others right now...because I am currently in this phase and my mind can not see beyond it). The first phase is where you can not sleep, you are in denial to the road ahead. You know that he/she has left but nothing has settled in. Your routine runs as it should because it is that oiled. You were prepared for him/her to leave so you made a routine that would work in their absence. What you did not realize that no matter how many deployments you have weathered... this phase is the one of uncertainty. The one of raw emotions. A song may make you cry, a TV show may make you cry. You are a walking emotion trying not to trip on yourself. You are trying not to expose this side of the deployment to your kids. You see, they go through a form of this phase but they let out their emotions, they cry, they wet the bed, they do what they need to do to cope. You on the other hand, must deny yourself this... or at least I do, remember I cannot go down that path. I am afraid I would not be able to pull myself out of CRAZY!
During this phase, missing a call truly hurts. It hurts way down deep, deep into your soul. It is the life line you hang on to. Today I had a wonderful day with neighbors/friends and that is when it happened. I saw the first FB post by him. Granted it has only been 5 days since I spoke with him last, but during the first phase 5 day feels like 5 weeks. I was excited to see his post, to know he was safe. I was upset that I was not home to chat online or even skype. I've been home every day, previous to today, lurking online in case he would pop on. I then got the double whammy when I walked in the door. He left a message on my machine...I missed the call by 30 minutes..... 30 flippin minutes!!!! Yes, he is fine, he sounds great...but I needed to hear his voice in real time. I needed to listen to him talk, to see if there were any long pauses (you know the ones where he says he is fine but you know better). Today, I just needed it. I am fine truly.....but today I wanted that call. I needed that call and I WAS NOT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bill is familiar with these phases even if he does not realize the order. You all may be wondering why Bill would leave a message knowing that I am going to feel the way I do. He knows he must. It is the double edged sword here. He must leave a message on the phone because an unknown number with a hang up is worse than a message. This would be where you wonder if it was him and missed it, therefore, every hang up becomes a missed call. I get a lot of hang ups during the day...can you imagine my state of mind then!!!! You all are beginning to understand my crazy right????
Today I have a mission .... my mission is to learn how to use my charter call forwarding option. Maybe I will figure that out and maybe it will work. He says he will call tomorrow at about the time I am leaving to drop kids off at soccer and cheer. Crossing my fingers it works!!
The first phase is also the one where you learn just how much you can handle in regards to the household and the kids daily activities. This is when the kids figure out just how far they can push you and just how many rules have dropped off (we all know they can get away with more when Bill is not around). This is the also the phase where you wonder when the shoe is going to drop. You know that you are fine, that you can deal, but you keep having that sneaking suspicion that something big is just around the corner. This feeling begins to die off because you learn to ignore it!!! That would also be about the time you come into phase two. I am not there yet, so I am not going to talk about it now.
To make things a bit more emotional for me... my very elderly cat is having a bad day today (this could be the shoe). For those of you who do not know this. I have a 20+ year old cat, he is old and skinny and I am shocked he made our move here. He has a thyroid condition and he has days when truly we think it is his last. Today, he is having a not so good day. It started yesterday when I realized he was having some issues with the restroom. Today, he vomited everywhere. He ate at least 2 cans of food thus far today and they came right back out.( He eats 4x a day due to his condition and me trying to keep his caloric intake up). So here I am, emotional me, wanting to cry over a stupid missed call, picking up nasty cat puke. I gotta give the cat props for this mess.. he did it well. He gave me my outlet.. he did what I wanted to do, he just let it all out. We joke about his coming death, but truly he must hold out until I am out of phase one. He must, I may not push crazy away today!
Bill- once again keep your helmet and Flak on. Stay behind your desk....or whatever you may have... whatever you do, do not leave the camp!!!!!
Bill, my absolutely amazing and handsome husband has left for a one year plus tour to Afghanistan with RCT8. He is a Marine, a dad and a husband. This blog is for me, his wife to share the trials of being a military spouse.
I used to forward my home phone to my cell when I was out. That way Drew didn't have to try and track me down, and I missed less calls! Wish I could remember how to do it and tell you. Hope you can figure it out. Hang in there, girl!
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ReplyDeletehey girl, this is Lauryn. Tell Bill to talk to my communications nerd to teach him how to call your cell. I think it's through Google Voice and we hear each other perfectly!
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