June 12th- 28th....... R&R.

I know it has been a long time since I blogged... but hey I needed to be sane for awhile and keep my hubby safe.... yes I followed opsec rules here. I will be writing the catch up ones as if I had written them during the date posted

My hubby came home for his 2 week R&R ... which stands for rest and relaxation...... lets be honest here.... it is a conjugal visit! Your hubby or wife..... gets blessed with 2 weeks of freedom from the fight if they are deployed for 12 months or greater. I call it a conjugal visit because come on.... we are adults and it has been 6 months since I saw him... you seriously think that there is much else on his mind.  I also like to equate a deployment to prison. He is told what to do, he is in meager accommodations, he eats when the chow hall is open, he gets limited access to the computers to email, he has even more limited access to a phone, there are not tv's to watch, he works unbearable hours in sweltering heat. Do you think this sounds a bit like a prison labor camp??  So he was sent home for his conjugal visit two days after my 40th birthday. What a great belated present.
Now back to him being blessed with his freedom for 2 weeks. I say they are blessed because it is a double edge sword for the family at home. It is all the excitement of a home coming without actually being a homecoming. You must enjoy 2 weeks and only 2 weeks with them and then with open arms, filled hearts and yes sorrow.... let them go again. I knew that this would be an emotionally hard thing to overcome. There is no  time to prepare yourself for them to leave AGAIN.  You can prepare for them to come home and you get your hair done, you make sure you have the right outfit to pick them up in, you get butterflies awaiting their arrival and yet deep inside you know that they are leaving again just too soon. I allowed myself to be open to the hurt that letting Bill leave again would cause me. I will cherish the family time and the beach time we had during his 2 weeks. I would not trade it for anything in the world. I needed my "Bill cup" filled. I was becoming somewhat of a witch and he is the one person who calms me, who keeps me even, who fills my heart. So, I would not trade the 2 weeks for anything. It was worth the sorrow and the hurt of letting him go again.
Now to describe the 2 weeks... well it is great. There truly are no words to describe how amazingly wonderful those 2 weeks were. I think I have to leave it at that. The kids loved having Dad home and more importantly loved having "vacation dad" home. This is the dad that because he knows he only has 2 weeks to cherish with the kids... anything goes and there is no parenting from him. Yep, I got to be the parent... he got to be "fun" Dad. I truly could have used a bit of a parental break but nope... it was not to be had. Bill was in complete lack of parenting mode. I would think this is similar to a divorced family with a Dad being the fun one during his one weekend a month.
The kids being who they are completely took advantage of the situation and now being almost August, I almost have them back to the kids I had beaten them into...(yes just joking I did not beat them) but you get the idea right?
Bill and I did get some time to ourselves in the evenings and to be completely honest here.... it is not always the sex you miss the most. For me just being held by him, smelling him, feeling safe in his arms.... now that is what I miss the most. Being held by a man's strong arms and feeling loved... yep that is it for me.

I stated that I allowed myself to feel and knew his leaving would hurt more. It is because most of us wives, we start to build a wall on our emotions prior to a deployment, but when you only have 2 weeks there is no time to waste nor time to push them away. I just opened my heart and felt the love and yes.. filled my Bill cup. That being said, for nights before he left, I stared at him as he slept and wept. I wept tears of love and fear. Fear of letting him go back to the fight when he is laying there safe and unhurt. I believe he only caught me once. I just could not hide my emotions and for me.... that was HUGE! I will say that he did hold me and like I said before that is what I miss the most. Glad my tears got me what I needed. :)

The kids like before were troopers when it was time to say goodbye. No tears were shed by them and they moved on like the champions they are. You have got to love the resiliency of a military child.  I drove him to the airport, smiling and doing my best to NOT cry. We sat in the airport holding hands awaiting for his plane to board. I left the airport with a very heavy heart, I sat in my car and cried as I watched his plane leave.

Now my countdown can truly begin.... we have 6 more months until I can welcome him home.

Bill-  stay safe on your travels back in country and know that I await your return.

Another celebration without DAD..........Day 221+

Today is my second child's 12th Birthday.... Happy Birthday Sammy !!!!
I remember his birth well, we moms always do. We share our stories with all pregnant women, but today I share this story with all of you because I am proud not for having a child, but proud of  that child for who he is and how he has grown.

Twelve years ago I was at Reseach Hospital in KC MO welcoming my bouncing baby boy into the world. I was welcoming him alone. I had my parents at my side but my husband was miles away. He was deployed, yet again, missing the moment of our baby's birth. I went into labor in the night and emailed my husband on board the USS Kearsarge. I figured what more could bug him but to receive an email from me saying I was enroute to the hospital... yep he is not a patient man. I figured it would be several hours before he got any communication from my family letting him know about the birth of his son. This is pre cell phones!!! I was so mean....LOL
I welcomed a healthy baby boy into the world early in the am and had my then sister in law send the email to Bill several hours later announcing his son's arrival. As family and friends from afar called my hospital room to congratulate me on the birth of my son,  a nurse came running in the room yelling at me..."your husband is on the phone and can not get in because you are on the line, get off so we can transfer". You would have thought he was the President of the U.S. seeing how excited my nurse was. Because I live hidden in my bubble during deployments, I had not been following the news. There was an event happening and my husband was heading toward it. He was calling from a CNN phone while climbing aboard a helo enroute to Kosovo.  Yep, these civilian nurses were hearing a helicopter and excessive commotion in the background and at that moment they were believers in the fight. The fight my husband and other members of the Corps so willingly do as a job. Keep in mind that at this point I did not know where he was headed nor did he let me know, he likes my bubble (this is when he only said watch the news honey). I was beaming when I heard his voice and crying at the same time. I knew he was beaming and I could not hold back the joy I had in telling him all about our bouncing baby boy who came into the world loved so deeply and rejoiced by his family. Bill, asked what his name would be... we had not finalized that one yet. I told him Sammy Jo.... ok I admit it, I let Sal make the decision and he was only two and a half years old. Hey... no judging here, I was alone and needed to keep myself mentally strong, I figured who better to decide between Sebastian and Sammy Jo than him right? Lets be honest, what name do you think a two and a half year old is even capable of saying. Yes, I will admit I blamed the oldest in case the dad from afar did not agree. LOL

That leads me to today twelve years later.....

I get a phone call from afar. It is my husband in Afghanistan calling to wish our boy a Happy Birthday. I beam and hide my tears. My son smiles big and laughs and then says I love you DAD! The life of a military child, accepting a call from the man he knows as dad and loves without conditions.... knowing Dad is celebrating with him even if he is not "with" him. It is at that moment today that I hug my child knowing he has grown with grace, honor and courage and is no longer my little boy but a young man. A young man accepting what life brings and smiling his bright big Sammy smile.
I love you Sammy.... I am blessed to be your mom, you are truly God's gift.

Day 232+... cruise control is having some issues

Wow... it has been awhile since I blogged about this deployment. That is a good thing.. it mean my cruise control is working and that my bubble is intact, of course, that is until the last couple of days.
The middle phase of deployments I enjoy. It is truly when you have figured out how to handle the daily life without your spouse. It is where you come to rely on yourself and your friends for the emotional and mental support your spouse gave. Yes, he still gives it but by the time you actually get to talk...the crisis or situation has passed and you did it alone. I don't mind being in cruise mode. I will say that at times, life seems easier because your kids cannot play you and your spouse against each other. There is only one rule maker, only one parent to go to for permission, there is only one parent that decides a punishment. Those seem like an upside, but beware spouses... do not think single parenting is that easy. It means there is only one bad parenting decision, there is only one parent to drive kids to events, there is only one parent comforting emotions, there is only one parent that gets the blame and the anger from the kids, there is only one parent that during the deployments...that makes all decisions that can directly affect your kid for the rest of their life!!! I miss my husband and I miss his ability to help me think through parenting events at the time that they are happening. I miss bouncing ideas off him, I miss hearing his reasoning and calming nature. I know that without him I am not that nice, I am not that grounded and that I get spun up very quickly. I am in need of my husband and the great news is that he will be returning home for a short visit this summer sometime. He is taking his required two week R&R sometime during the kids break...or so we hope.  My heart is a flutter and I hope that during the two weeks he comes home... that my Bill cup gets filled and overflows so I can continue being the single parent for  the remainder of the year.

Now.. back to my broken cruise control..... no one should ever have to deal with selling a house alone. Even under the best circumstances... crazy crap happens and lets just say that this must be my test. The test my bubble and cruise control needed to see if it can remain intact. Oh... and lets not forget that over the last week, a marine with my husband was wounded. Thankfully he survived and will heal with the help of doctors and surgeons... but it places the "effects of war" a bit too close in proximity to my husband...(yes we think selfishly at times).
I complain and yet as I do... I am reminded of others dealing with so much more... once again.. I will feel what I feel and try not to compare... the comparisons will suck my bubble dry.

Bill- please remain behind your desk at all times... wear your helmet and flak... apparently the killing of Osama bin Laden only stirred the pot. I pray for you and your fellow comrades daily. Stay alert... I need you home!

To my dear friends struggling at this time due to family loss and medical diagnosis..... I love you both and pray for you to remain strong and vibrant. You keep me moving forward and provide inspiration to me. Do not let me suck your bubbles dry.... let me keep them full.... I am praying and blowing!!!!